Tuesday, 26 March 2013

100 Word Daily: Crash Edition

Hey friends and others,

This one... it... well, it just did what these things do sometimes. I dunno. Here ya go.

I’m lying on my back in the sun, the asphalt warm and rough under my back like the skin of a lizard. I try to shield my eyes with my arm, but there’s nothing there. My shoulder grinds, oozes, but nothing. Shouting pulls me away from thoughts of my arm. People are running everywhere, on cellphones. Past them, my car, lying in the street, just like me. I know what happened now. And soon, they’ll find out. My family will go to my apartment, clean it out. And they’ll find it. My secret shame. My sick addiction. My Little Ponies.

I'm really not sure what to tell you. You're welcome? Sorry? In any case, it made me laugh, so that's really all that matters, right?

Well, bye.


Monday, 25 March 2013

100 Word Daily: Cookie Edition

Ok, so I don't know how to count. Sue me, why don't ya?!

In other, better news, here's a new story! It's about an unstoppable cookie flood. From where do they come? Elves in the pipes. Elves in the chimney. Elves! All the time elves. I never did trust them, but all they do is make freakin' cookies all the time. What's not to trust, you ask? How do they not get huge? That's why I don't trust them. They're not being forthright about their eating habits. You never see them eating the cookies, do you? Do you?! They just force them on us, endlessly, forever. I'm sure there's some Elven conspiracy in there somewhere, but I'm too full to concern myself with it right now.

This idea is from Rachel, a school friend who apparently values cookies over knowledge. I don't blame her. Follow her multiple times on Twitter, @rachpenner and @energyofdance. One of them is about dancing. The other is about like, stuff, and junk. Both are wonderful, and so is she. Enjoy the story, yo.

I should be reading. I should be writing. I should be studying, learning, educating myself. I should be doing any damn thing but eating. But these cookies. These cookies are everywhere, and they just keep coming, flowing in the windows and through the door and down the chimney and out of the drain in the bathtub. To stave off death I must first stave off hunger. But I’m not hungry. Not anymore. But these cookies! So I eat. I eat. The body only has so much room. My home only has so many rooms. All are full of these cookies.

Are you happy that I made cookies scary? I sure am. I am now scared, and happy. Life can be confusing. Okay, I'll write another story tomorrow, and you'll like it just as much, I'm sure.



Sunday, 24 March 2013

100 Word Daily: Shift Edition

Hello all,

So, I failed horribly, and missed yesterdays story. I'll make it up to you today, with two. One now, and one a little later, after I've had some breakfast, lunch, dinner, and a nap. Sound fair?

This story comes from my gracious father-in-law, who always has some interesting things floating in his brain. The theme of this piece is "THE SHIFT KEY THAT GOT STUCK"

Also, I'm going to start including the original idea, since sometimes people don't get it. That is my fault, as a writer, and I admit it. So cut me some slack, wouldja?

Ok, here be. Enjoy.




I presume these folk work at an older company, or can't afford a new keyboard, or some such thing. Maybe they're senior citizens, and don't know the difference between caps lock and shift. Many factors contribute to this terrible unfeeling letter.

Ok, keep your eyes peeled later today for another one of these things.


Friday, 22 March 2013

100 Word Daily: Mattress Edition


So, it's been one whole day. I've never been great with schedules, so we'll see if I can maintain this pace. Especially since I might have to pump a story out tomorrow morning to keep on track. This should be interesting.

This story comes courtesy of the always fascinating mind of good friend Adrian. I would give you all a link to his twitter, or his blog, or some other online presence, but it's minimal. He's on facebook, I can tell you that much, but good luck getting in touch with that crazy character. In any case, this one just smacks of his sense of humour, and I'll try to do it justice. Last time he gave me a story idea, it became one of my favourite stories, so hopefully this one does the same. Or better, even.

The days are uncountable. I lay perfectly still, eyes clamped shut. I toss, then turn, then repeat. Sandwich break and a piss, and it’s back on the damn mattress. I don’t sleep. I can’t. I never do. So the tossing and turning is convincing. And when I go home, it’s the same thing. The boss says I can’t just lay there. This has to look honest. What do I think he’s paying me for? Obviously a ridiculous question. I’m paid to suffer. I suffer daily, and for the comfort of others. And for what? A comfy retirement. A death bed.

HEYO! Storytime over children. Off to bed. I bet this one makes you want to just curl up on your superbly comfortable mattress and go to sleep. This man clearly has a miserable existence. Too much of a good thing, and all that. But I'm ready for bed myself, so please, take a minute and enjoy. Wait, you already did. Well, whatever. Goodnight.


Thursday, 21 March 2013

100 Word Daily - Caffeine Edition

Hey all you beautiful people.

SO, I'm on break from school for a little while, and I figured I would spend some of my extra time working on more of these 100 word stories. I made a little post on facebook and on twitter, and I got a whole big pile of them. And so,  I've decided that I'll write one of them a day until I go back to school, starting from the top of the list on facebook. Since there were less on twitter, I'll just pop them in here and there. Not that any of it matters to you, since you probably won't even notice it happening.

In any case, now that you know what my plan of attack is, please enjoy the first of many many tiny stupid stories. The first comes courtesy of my friend Leslie, who goes to school with me. She's a rad chick with a crude 'tude. Or some such nonsense. She's involved in public relations, and making your crappy little company seem way better than it is. Follow her on twitter at @ABPRgirl, or in your car after 3, most days.

Here comes the gold.

She strains against gravity, and the weight of the sheets. Her eyelids peel apart like fabric tearing, and hang half-open, refusing the light. Colour enters her eyes, but she can’t tell one object from the next. Thoughts bubble from the bottom of her brain, but pop before they cohere. Blood sits in her veins, idle, cold. She pours herself onto the floor, and pieces together the easiest path to the kitchen. Her body is lacking vital components, chemical fixtures that imbue the human body with a new magic. Protein builds our bodies. Calcium provides our shape. But caffeine maintains life.

You see? It's possibly the most important substance you can absorb, beyond the blood of your enemies.

Alright, I'll be back tomorrow, with another whatever.


Friday, 8 February 2013

100 Word Story: Hellhole Edition

Howdy, y'all!

That sure was unnatural. I shan't be doing it again.

What's happening, my people? Don't answer that. By the time you do, this story will be over, and you'll have missed it. That's no good for me. It's all about the numbers, man.

So anyway, Lindsay and I are moving next weekend, so we thought it would be fun to look at some of the more interesting aspects of the building we're currently in. As I'm sure you're all aware if you've ever talked to me, we live in the worst building in Victoria. At first, I thought it was exaggeration on the part of everyone. Not so. After seeing several other places, I've discovered that, yes, it is a terrible place. So naturally, it's a demon portal. Count your lucky stars that they only built one, and not the two buildings they planned on originally. Or else we might be living in a demon's toilet or something by now, while they make use of their coastal property to impress all of their demon friends.

Ok, on with it!

It’s called View Towers. There’s only one of them. I worry that if the second was ever constructed, an immutable evil would claw its way through the balconies and devastate important parts of downtown Victoria. The chants, shouts and music at all hours serve as a conjuring spell. Drug dealers, junkies, and people with no regard for their own quality of life will be food for this monster, giving it the power to spread anger and mild discomfort throughout the city. Don’t worry. I’ll be safe. Someone will pull the fire alarm, and we’re the only ones who actually leave.

Haha! The rest of them can burn up! That's terrible. I apologize.

I was considering writing a longer story, to try and include more of the gross, offensive, and sometimes scary things that would happen in the building, but I've got a brand to uphold here.

That said, I'll give you another story next week, about the best thing I ever saw in the building. It's about music and superheroes, so it'll be just great. Stay tuned.

As always, shoot ideas my way if you want to, and I'll write them into fun little tales of morality and woe. Mostly woe.


Thursday, 31 January 2013

Rocket Cat and the Warehouse of Dinosaurs

Hey there everybody that is alive and well and reading this silly little thing I do on occasion!

I presume you're all well? Actually, I don't care.

So today's 100 Word Story is a little different, in that it's 1400 words long. But it was done with a goal in mind. Specifically, it was done so that Panditty could turn it into a comic in some way or another. I predict it'll be about two pages long, but I'll leave that up to her artistic sensibilities, of which I obviously have none.

So please, enjoy this bit of nonsense. If it seems like something a colourful girl would come up with, well, that was the goal. So, congratulate me next time you see me, because I earned it.

Adventure begins in 3...2...1!

       Sunlight peers through the curtains, kissing dust motes and making them gleam, and Rocket Cat is curled up underneath my feet, snoring. I often find myself wondering where this cat came from, and who figured out how to graft a fully-functional jet onto his back, but cats can’t talk, and I don’t understand science. 

       He showed up on my patio one day, while I was out barbecuing a whole fish. He came screaming out of the sky, trailing smoke and flame, and smashed face-first into my grill. One quick leap, and he whooshed off into the sky, my salmon clenched tight in his jaws. He climbed down after he finished eating, and became a permanent resident. I tried locking him out once, but he just hit Mach 5 speed outside my front door and shattered all my windows.

       On T.V., the morning news opens with stories of bus crashes and break-ins, and all of these other things that ruin a perfectly calm morning. Then, static. This rouses R.C. from his sleep. He stretches way out, popping tiny metal claws and scraping the carpet. He twists his fuzzy face up at me, then climbs my pant leg, hopping into my lap. The static fades, and a jagged maw fills the screen. A voice burns out from between the teeth, dry and ragged. “The time has come! The Dinoids have risen again, and we shall not be denied this planet a second time!” The dinoid stepped away and the television went black.

       I sat, staring at the screen. Some sort of dinosaur thing in a fur coat, with legs of brushed metal. I could see an army of them behind the one that spoke, but they weren’t moving. Rocket Cat stirs in my lap, meows at me, and I barely have time to throw him out the window before the tight blue flame in his jet spreads into a wide white plume, and R.C. soars off over the horizon. I run out the door, hop on my Segway and follow the billowing path left in the sky.

       The trail leads me to an industrial part of town. Chain-link fences and orange cones litter the landscape before me, and all around, vehicles are overturned and smouldering. The organic sounds of fur hitting thick, leathered flesh interjects into metallic collisions and the horrible screaming of a great number of lizards. Rocket Cat beat me here. The sounds lead me to a warehouse, made of brick, and short one side. I grab my bat out of my bag (it’s a big bag) and take my time getting to the door. I hate to think what this crazy cat is getting up to in there, but if I learned anything from television, the second I get to that door, one of those Dinoids is going to jump me, and maul away at my soft bits with mechanically-enhanced talons. Arguably, these are the worst kind of talons.

       I get to the door, kick it in, and step to the side. Something pulls at me, hard, and I hit the concrete floor.

       A swirling mass twists around in front of me, spraying what might be lightning and smog around the room. Thick blue and black tendrils kiss and kick, at me and everywhere. From the centre, a heavy light burns. Dozens of Dinoids are pouring out of the light, piling up on one another, barking and furious. The one from T.V. stands in front of me, snapping orders, but something’s gone wrong. The minions won’t listen. They start tearing at each other, angry and confused. Pockmarks in the roof show me where R.C. came in, where he left, and where he came in again. With the wall smashed out like that, that damn cat could be anywhere. I charge into the mess, swinging my bat like a maniac, because typically, I make poor decisions regarding my bodily health, and head straight for the supposed leader. He’s fighting off some rampaging minions of his own, and it’s not hard to get up close to him. The Dinoids aren’t that imposing, anyway. Somewhere between the size of a chicken and a turkey, like the little ones from Jurassic Park, only half-robotic. Fierce, too, and angry. I shake one off my bat, tossing him into a pile of others, and watch him get to shreds. Then I take my bat to the head of the leader, trying to get him somewhere I can talk to him. Overhead, the telltale shriek of Rocket Cat announces his arrival at breakneck speed. I see him smash into a group of Dinoids, hissing and scratching, and I know that they don’t have a chance. I get the head Dinoid against a wall, and keep him at bay with the end of my bat.

       “What the hell is going on here?! Where are you guys even coming from?” I shout over the claws ricocheting off metal behind me. 

       “We’ve come from the Under! This world is ours! We will rule the Earth! We have—“ and I crack him across the jaw with my bat, just light enough to help him focus.

       “Enough with the catchphrases. I don’t even care. How do we stop this?”

       “My minions, they’ve turned against me! My plans are for naught! We must close the gateway, or else the Earth will be overrun!”

       “I thought that’s what you wanted?” 

       “Yes, but they do not obey me. If I cannot lead, then there will be no invasion!” He begins to struggle, but I’ve got him pinned under me. He was clawing at me at first, but since his revelation, he seems to have calmed down. “We must destroy the main generator. The main control mechanism was destroyed when the Dinoids came through. Destruction is the only way.”

       “Excellent. I’ve got just the thing,” I said, digging in my pockets for my house keys.

       Turning, I find Rocket Cat in the midst of the madness, looking like he’s having a great time, his tail held high and a thick tendon dangling from his jaws. “R.C., here! Look at this!” I say, shining the thin beam of red light that hangs from my keychain in front of him. “Look, here!” I say, in the tone of voice that all animals universally respond to. I shake the beam a little to catch his eye, and then swing the beam to the heavy metal box that contains the gate’s mechanical workings. Rocket Cat wiggles on his haunches, and I hear the quick intake of oxygen as the rocket fires up. Like lightning, R.C. has launched his way clear into the heart of the control box, and sparks were flying like bees out of the machine. The portal shimmered and blinked out of existence, nowhere near as dramatically as I had hoped. Rocket Cat climbed out of the guts of the machine and went back to slaying Dinoids.

       I grab hold of the Dinoid leader. “Good. Now I suppose it’s time to throw you to the cat.”

       “Wait! You mustn’t! I helped you to save your world, did I not? You must show some compassion.” 

       “Hey, I don’t owe you anything. In case you didn’t notice, we just about got consumed by a massive amount of insane dinosaur robots. Which is definitely the coolest way to die, but still.”

       “I’ll make a deal. Let me live. I will find a way home, and I will prevent Earth from becoming the target of another invasion.” He said, grovelling at my feet.

       “Now why in the world would I trust you with something like that. I might as well just bash your silly brain in for all the mild inconvenience you just caused me.” But the way this Dinoid looked up at me, leaking what appeared to be tears from his cold lizard eyes, warmed my heart. Not too much, but I wasn’t going to go smashing brains just now.
“Ok, you know what? I’ll let you live. But you’re living by my rules. You’re going to hang out with me, and be my rad robot dinosaur buddy. Trust me, of all your options, this is probably the best you’re gonna do.” I could see the gears turn in his head while he thought the offer over.

       “Yes, I accept. If I were to return home, I would be killed and eaten immediately anyway. Yes, let’s go be ‘rad buddies,’ and ‘hang out.’” 

       I look back and find Rocket Cat snuggled in in a mass of intestines that he twisted into some kind of cat nest, purring peacefully. He had no trouble tearing those Dinoids to shreds, and now he just needs a bath and a nap. I pick him up, and head for the door, followed by my new robo-dino friend. Like I said, I’m not great at making decisions.

Woo! So many words. You see how I left that open-ended like that? Like they could have more adventures at a time in the future? I hope you recognize that. I'm interested in fleshing this world out a bit more, as right now, it's incredibly off-the-cuff. I could certainly tighten things up a bit. But really, that's for the artist to worry about. Ha ha! Comics!

Thanks to Panditty, one tertiary portion of Girls and Greatswords, for the drawing that inspired this mess in the first place. Check them out. They're girls, and they talk about stuff, and you'll learn how to talk to women and impress them, and then next time you come to read my stuff, you'll probably have a girlfriend, and I will be SO HAPPY for you.

Ok, see you next week. I'll do another 100 Word Story for real. Give me ideas, and I will impress you to no end. Or else I will not impress you. Both are fine with me.

So long,